This is not what I had planned for my first blog of the new year. In fact, it is the total opposite of what I wanted to write about. Last week, I took a look through my content and I decided that I did not want to sound like “that girl” anymore. I wanted to present to y’all a better, much happier, version of myself because if I can be honest, I am tired of being sad. I’m tired of talking about being in the fire, literally all of the time.

I was ready to come here and tell you guys how I’m out; how I am refined because of the heat, how my faith has increased, how I am stronger, hoping that someone would see my words and feel empowered by knowing I was changed. At this point in my life, I should feel different. I should be different. But the hard reality of this is that no matter how hard I try to write about the person I wish I was, I am simply just not there.

It’s 4:16 am. I’m not sure what woke me up, but here I am. I began to scroll through social media and was triggered by something I read. The spiraling began. I started to feel sad. I started to feel disheartened and the anger increased to the point where I could physically feel the pain from the tension in my face. As I sit here typing with the tears so full in my eyes that I cannot see, I’m forced to face myself.

I often feel alone.

I struggle with believing anyone truly understands me or actually sees me.

I know these feelings all too well. I think I’ve struggled with them for most of my life. When you’re the oldest of 7, with a mom who does her best but works 2-3 jobs, and an in and out father, the reality is you just won’t feel seen. You won’t feel heard. So the feelings that I struggle with as a 27 year old woman, just remind me of that little girl who would cry herself to sleep, hoping and wishing and praying for someone to just see her.

And so I contemplate two things; that the way I perceive these things is the way it really is, or if it’s just my inner child trying to be heard. I can admit that I silence her every chance I get.

I don’t really know how to deal with her. She’s needy. I don’t like to feel needy. She demands a lot, more than I have to give especially when I am just trying to piece my current life together because it’s still a complete mess. I don’t have time to be thinking about or talking about things things that happened decades ago. However, the damaged child is literally fighting to be heard and she shows up in my life in ways that are inappropriate. I think I finally have enough conviction to attempt to hear her out.

Only one thing came to my mind…

T H E R A P Y.

It’s not like I’ve never considered it before, I have even had a session or two. The last one I had lasted all of 30 minutes where I basically felt like an idiot for sharing, to receive a $259 bill in the mail, which I still have not paid. This was two years ago. There’s something about expressing myself to other people that now makes me feel weak. I use to see my vulnerability as something that made me, me, but lately it has felt more like something I’m ashamed of. It’s crazy because I can recall a time in my life where I would overshare whenever I felt like a person cared enough about me to listen. More recently, I find myself sharing less because in the end, it’s hard to believe someone else has to care when most days, I don’t.

And at first it seems easier, to not care and not talk about it, until you’re up in the middle of night writing a blog because you can’t silence your thoughts.

God, I don’t want to be this way anymore.

I search “therapists for black women” in my google search bar, and I am redirected to Therapy for Black Girls, a community that focuses on the mental wellness of girls and women who look like me.

I type in my location and a list of melinated doctors and psychologists appears, with a brief description of what services they offer. I find one who mirrors what I believe I need. And when her office opened up at 8 am, I called and set up a consultation. I will be the first to admit that I am scared. However, at this point, I have nothing left to lose.

I will update you guys soon on how it went with the therapist and hopefully, I will have better news to share with you guys then.

If you can identify with anything I’ve said above, I am so sorry that you’re feelings this way. I pray that you too can find out what you need in order to move forward and that if you need therapy, you will not put it off any longer. If you needed a sign that it is time to seek healing, then this is it.

2020 was unbelievably hard. I feel like I let myself down because of all the goals that I could not seem to accomplish but I am trying to give myself grace. Who could have predicted a global pandemic? Who could’ve guessed that nurses would be on the front lines making an already demanding and draining job that much more difficult? Losing momentum at some point last year is something that I think we all can admit to. But as 2021 begins let’s be intentional about every move that we make as we push ourselves to do the things that seem so hard. I have to keep reminding myself,

“ you can do hard things.”

The end of anything calls for two things, the first being reflection. This blog is my reflection. The second being, making new goals and acting on them. The biggest goal I have for myself this year is to be genuinely happy, to feel whole again, despite what I may lack. My first action to making sure that I follow through with this goal is starting therapy. Here goes nothing.

2021, please be good to me.

Pray with me.

Father we love you. You are Holy. There is no one like you in all of the earth. If no one else understands our pain, we know that you do. We know that you are not indifferent to our suffering. You see every tear that we cry in the midnight hour. You know how our souls aches to feel whole again. And even when our human nature tries to force us to make sense of it, and associates our circumstances with your absence, may the Holy Spirit forever come in to comfort us, to give a peace that surpasses all understanding. I don’t know what you’re doing God, but I’ll trust you. Right now Father I pray over anyone under the sound of my words from this post. Let them be consumed with an overwhelming sense of your love for them. Let them feel your presence as they pray. I ask that you would allow them to be open enough to receive something from this post, let them be encouraged to seek the help that they need in whatever capacity they need it. I declare that no spirit but the Holy Spirit is welcomed in their life. I rebuke the spirit of depression, I rebuke the spirit of self harm. I rebuke the spirit of suicide right now in the name of Jesus! I bind the hands of the enemy concerning their life Lord. Pour out your spirit upon us. I ask that you would take away the fear that prevents us from being loved the way you intended for us to be loved. Allow us to be open to people who come in to help us. Don’t let us continue to stand in our own way. Let us be proactive in our healing. Let 2021 be the beginning of something great. Everything that the devil stole, you’re giving back and we thank you. We thank you for the highs and the lows God, cause you’re the same God through it all. I seal this prayer with the declaration that all we expect is already done.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.