Recently, my confidence has taken a huge hit. It’s been a while since I have felt this uncomfortable in my own skin. Granted, God only delivered me from low self esteem a few years ago (emphasis on a few) but I cannot remember the last time I felt this low. I hate the way my body looks.

I get undressed in the dark. I make sure to turn away from the mirror when I am getting out of the shower. I no longer pull my hair back; you can see the weight I’ve gained in my face. I have even stopped wearing scrub shirts and opt for bigger jackets instead. I do not like the way I look and that’s a really terrible feeling.

To be honest, I knew I had gained some weight but I didn’t think it was that bad. Since having my second child, my weight has gone up and down and has been the cause of a lot of insecurities. I am the biggest I have ever been. It wasn’t until all my coworkers kept pointing it out, asking me if I was pregnant and telling me that I looked bad (I work with all older, Caribbean women with no filters) that I realized that maybe I had put on more pounds than I thought. I’m to the point where I am disgusted with myself. The body that was once a size 3 and wore a navel piercing has now become sloppy, covered in stretch marks with rolls in places that use to be smooth and defined. I feel betrayed.

I can say without hesitation that I love me, but I am not in love with me.

It shows. I’m back at rock bottom.

But the thing I’ve learned about being down here is that there’s only one way to go and that’s up.

Although I have a million and one excuses on why I can’t lose the weight, I have decided that I am going to push past my fear and lack of motivation. I am going to try, and I mean actually try this time because I refuse to not be in love with me anymore. It’s just no longer acceptable.

I want to smile like I use to. I want to feel pretty like I use to. Heck, I want to get dressed with the lights on!

That’s what I’m doing this for.

Anddd to look good in a two piece cause I mean, who doesn’t want that.

As women, we have to be intentional about the way we love ourselves. So often we are focused on how we love our men, how we love our kids, and how we put love into all of the places that life demands of us, that we leave very little love for ourselves. We are the last thing we take care of.

But if we continue to put ourselves last, everything that’s attached to us will not thrive. The man may be the head, but we are the neck. And the head can’t do anything without the neck. However, there’s no way we can be the support we were designed to be if our self care is not a priority. You know how the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. And I see you sis, trying to pour what you just don’t have to give. Aren’t you tired?

I’m exhausted.

So I’ve decided to hold myself accountable to give me the love that I deserve. I challenge you to set three goals for yourself to accomplish within the next month. My three are:

1. Lose 15 pounds.

2. Buy myself new, cute scrubs that I feel comfortable in.

3. Take some PTO from work.

It may sound small, but those small things still hold value and add up quickly. It feels impossible for me right now, but I am choosing to try. I’m choosing myself this time. And God honors us trying.

I’d love to hear about the goals you are setting for yourself! It’s so much easier when you have a community to support you through it. You can do this!

Father God I thank you for believing in me. Things that seem impossible are possible with you. Right now I pray for my sister who’s feeling like she’s not enough; who looks in the mirror and doesn’t like her reflection . I ask that you would breathe on her, fill her with an abundance of your love. Touch every part of her that needs healing, stir up in her the desire to not only want better for herself, but to actually do better as well. I ask that you’d allow her to see herself the way you see her Father; flawless. And when the enemy comes in to her mind, remind her of who she is, and WHOSE she is.

I rebuke the hand of the enemy concerning your life right now. He’s trying to take you out because he knows that the gifts God placed deep on the inside of you are going to save lives . I cancel every assignment of the adversary, every scheme, plot, distraction, self deprecating thought and I declare that you shall be whole. Father we call it done. In your mighty, matchless name we pray, Amen!