Lately, I’ve been stuck in this mood where I don’t feel beautiful or capable. Yes, I know you see me pull it together on Instagram for a post where I’m smiling and all seems to be well, but on the inside, I do not feel like that girl. I’ve found myself in this uphill battle where I am constantly fighting self-deprecating thoughts, thoughts that almost seem to consume me so much that they’re slowly redefining the woman I have fought so hard to become. I can’t go back.

If you only knew the hole I had to climb out of. If you knew what the devil told me…

You’re ugly, you’re worthless. No one will ever want you or love you the way you desire to be loved. You won’t accomplish those dreams that you dream and you’ve messed up way too many times to be redeemed. You are and will forever be nothing more than what I allow you to become.

How many of you are secretly listening to the enemy’s whispers? After a while he doesn’t even have to say much because he’s talked to you for so long that you automatically hear his voice in everything you do. It’s almost as if, his voice becomes your innermost thoughts and now he has done so much damage, that you allow yourself to finish the job he started. How disheartening is it to be able to hear the lies of the enemy over what God says about you… Unfortunately, it’s something that I know all too well.

After having my second child, I began to hate everything about myself, to the point where I’d look in the mirror and cry. I can still recall the first time I went shopping after giving birth. I was about 8 weeks postpartum and wanted to get out of the house. I don’t think I was aware of how much my body had truly changed until that day. I was trying on clothes and for the absolute first time in my life, none of them fit. I was devastated. I was trying to get a pair of jeans on and they wouldn’t even go pass my hips. I sat there on the fitting room floor in Rue 21 and wept so hard that an attendant knocked on the door to see if I was okay. This was the first time I didn’t feel comfortable with my body. And the enemy fed off of that.

Now don’t get me wrong, my self confidence issues go waaayyyyyy back, but after finding God and working on areas of myself that were displeasing to me, I thought that all of that was behind me. It took one insecurity to make me look at myself completely different. That one insecurity became two, and two became 5, and before I knew it, I had nothing I liked about me. It didn’t take long before those insecurities took root in every area of my life to the point where I refused to let God use me.

Over the past year, I have worked extremely hard to find myself again. It hasn’t been easy but I have slowly been able to look at myself and see someone who I recognize; someone who I love and believe in. But I have recently found myself starting to doubt again. Before it gets to a place where I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me is unrecognizable, I acknowledge that I must deal with the things that I say, the things that I think about me that do not align with the woman God desires me to become.

Self reflection is a huge part of how I personally overcome and upon doing so I have come to realize that I am least confident when I have in some way strayed away from God. If y’all are looking for the perfect Christian to tell you everything that they do is always Christ-like and how they’re always doing what they’re suppose to be doing, then simply put, this ain’t it sis. Keeping it completely 100, lately I have lacked motivation to do the things I know I should be doing such as reading the word, fasting, even praying has felt more like a task on a to-do list than a desire. When I am being intentional about my relationship with God, I literally feel as if I can do anything. The strength and confidence and self- assurance that comes hand-in-hand with staying close to God is unmatched. As I sit here and type, I am forced to deal with the fact that I have not been a good steward and that if I would fall back into my relationship with Him, I will in return start to gain my confidence back.

This isn’t to say that there are no other factors that go into believing in yourself, because there are plenty. But for me, it all starts with believing what God thinks about me. It starts with repeating His confessions of His love for me. It starts with identifying myself in the word and connecting with God on a 1:1 level, positioning myself in a posture that allows Him to speak to and through me. This ultimately means that I am responsible for my own self- confidence.

It is my responsibility to feed and pour into myself, it is my obligation to do things that make me feel good and allow me to believe in the person God knew I’d become even before He placed me in my mother’s womb. It is all up to me to. And I won’t left myself down again.

It’s time to stop making excuses and start taking action for my own happiness. This doesn’t happen over night and it will be challenging, but I know I can’t give up now.

Neither should you.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for my sister here reading this. I thank you for divine intervention that has allowed us to cross paths. Thank you for using me as a vessel to help encourage your people. I ask that as these words go forth, that they will touch someone in need. That healing will start to take place in her temple right now; that you would breathe a fresh wind on her Father and allow her to see herself the way you see her. Bring forth every insecurity and expose it for what it is, a lie from the enemy. We bind up every negative thought, every self-deprecating idea, every thing that is unlike you God, and we send it back to the sender. Let her know that she is beautiful, that she is worthy, that she is purposed by you. And with you all things are possible. We thank you right now for the restoration that is taking place in this season. We stand with expectation that you are going to make us over. And we call it done. In your name we pray, Amen.