On February 20th, 2019, my daddy died.

It feels like just yesterday my brother called me with the news as he tried to hold back tears. I remember how his voice shaked as he tried to tell me what happened.

A car accident.

Reports say he died on impact. I know because I have looked at every news article there is, trying to come to terms with the fact that my daddy is really gone. I do take solace in the fact that he did not suffer, but I still don’t feel a sense of closure. I’m not sure if anyone truly does after they lose a loved one, let alone a parent. This keeps me up at night sometimes. The funeral was closed casket. Per the medical examiner the extent of his injuries were too much for a real viewing. I couldn’t even see his face one last time before we buried him.

My dad hurt me deeply over the course of my 26 years of life, however him dying, leaving me for good, was by far the worst things he’s ever done to me.

My father and I didn’t have a perfect relationship. Over the years he had been in and out of my life due to long distance and his personal battle with staying out of trouble. The first memory I have of him, I was 7 years old.

7.

Think about how much time we had already lost; how much of my life he had already missed. I now understand that his absence shaped and molded me into the woman I am today who still feels like that little 7 year old girl on the inside, wanting her dad. These daddy issues I have carried have made me cautious; cold…afraid to let a man love me out of the fear that he’ll abandon me, too.

I didn’t know I had daddy issues. They just started to show up, particularly when I started dating. At 15 years old, I made a boy my idol. I wanted to talk to him 24/7, and when he wouldn’t answer the phone or text me back, I panicked. I would show up at his house, begging him to talk to me, to tell me what I did wrong; wanting for him to just love me, and to show it. I allowed him to treat me in ways that I am ashamed of, even today. Emotional abuse at it’s finest. Multiple other girls. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t allow him to walk away and I didn’t have the strength to do so either. The relationship I had with my father, or lack thereof, was starting to make its presence known and felt. More and more I started to question where was he? Why didn’t he love me enough to be in my life ? How could he be with my brothers and sisters, but act as if I didn’t matter? Why didn’t he want me ?

To fill the void he left, I searched for him in relationships. Gave pieces of my soul to be half-loved. I never had an example of how love was suppose to feel; what it was suppose to say and do and look like. All I knew was the emptiness. The absence. The aching. But I endured because the fragment of love that I was able to feel, made it worth it, even if only for a moment. I know I’m not the only one.

By the time I had turned 15, we were reconnected and I regularly visited Tennessee to spend time with him. He tried to repair the damage he had already done, but he was a stranger to me, and I was guarded. It was too late.

I was so angry with him, that even when he tried his best, I pushed him away. I reminded him of what he did to me, and how he hurt me because I didn’t think he really cared or understood the extent of my misery I felt my whole life because he wasn’t there. I am still struggling to really be loved by a man because I let my dad die without really tending to the roots of despair planted so deeply in my heart because of the love I feel he didn’t give me consistently the way I needed as a child and as a young woman. I no longer have the opportunity to tell him how much I really do forgive him and how deeply I love him.

He’s gone.

I’m not telling you this because I want sympathy, or even for you to feel bad for me. I am sharing my hurt with you because if you’re reading this, it’s time for you to forgive your dad, too. So often as women, we hold on to all of the things a person did or didn’t do. We may not speak on it often, but we think about it and still feel scorned. The way we are so deeply moved by our emotions is a beautiful thing, however it can also be deadly. Do not let the way you feel dictate your ability to forgive, and when I say forgive, I mean truly and wholeheartedly.

The thing about love is that it keeps no record of wrong doing. That’s the word. I know your daddy hurt you, maybe even still hurting you, but I am telling you, as a woman who no longer has her dad, forgive him anyway, reach out to him anyway. Let him know how you feel and ask what you need in order to gain some sort of insight as to why he has caused you so much pain. Communication is key. Do it while you still have the chance because life is really, really short.

(Make no mistake though, you must still guard your heart, cause that’s the word, too! It’s possible to be both forgiving and wise. Expect nothing in return from you dad for your honesty, because unfortunately, that’s the reality for some of us.)

I know this is not every woman’s story. Some may not know their father at all. If no one has ever told you this, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the emptiness you’ve felt your whole life. And even though you may not have an earthly father, you still have a Heavenly one and He is the filler of all voids. Rest your hurt and the shattered pieces of your broken heart into the hands of the man who created you, who knows you, who called you by name, even before He placed you in your mother’s womb. It’s going to be okay.

You can still heal from this.

It’s our healing that allows us to make decisions that are not solely based on the trauma and pain we have experienced. Let’s be intentional about it.

Heavenly Father, I come to you on today with a heavy heart. It’s the day you called my daddy home. This is proof that time does not heal all wounds, only you. Right now I’m praying for every other daughter mourning the loss of her father. I ask that you would touch her even right now, and let her know she’s not alone. Let her know she’s still loved. Let her know someone still cares. Let her feel the peace of the Holy Spirit whenever grief creeps up on her to push her in dark places that you’ve called us out of. I pray for my sister who is dealing with an absent father. I ask that you would give her courage to face him, to tell him she’s hurting and that you’d give her the supernatural strength to deal with his reaction and choices afterwards. Touch the heart of the woman who doesn’t even know who her father is Lord. Fill the need that she has because we know you are the ultimate Father. Place your hands on every heart right now Jesus and let your healing virtue flow through each and every one of us so that we may experience all you have in store for us on the other side of forgiveness. Thank you for being our daddy, Lord. We love you. In your name, I call it done.