Finding the Balance Between Self Care and Motherhood
The current time is 3:07 am. I have been up since 8 o'clock yesterday morning. I cleaned the house and completed laundry. I did the grocery shopping for this upcoming week. I have been chasing Liam, my one year old, around all day. My first born, Daniel, has asked me a million questions, many of which I pretend not to hear because I am simply too tired to answer. I’ve cooked dinner, played tag, showered both boys again, and even read 3 bed time stories. I make sure that when Junior comes home from work, I have dinner ready and the bedroom clear so that he can get to bed for work tomorrow. All of this while mentally preparing myself for a 12 hour shift at 7 am. I am exhausted. But I am awake because the only time I get to myself is when everyone else has gone to bed. When did this become my life?
Chances are if you’re a mom, you are asking yourself the same thing, most likely clocking in/out from work, doing house chores, trying to get your degree, attempting to discover yourself, all while raising little kings and queens.
I don’t want to come off as ungrateful or as if I don’t like being a mother because it is the highlight of my life. It is the highest calling I will ever have. I am blessed to have tiny humans that look at me and see no wrong, who love me unconditionally, but it would be a lie if I told you I am not overwhelmed and tired. All of my time is spent in mom mode, taking care of my babies and taking care of our home. That leaves little to no time for me to take care of me. Being a mom, and never fully being able to be anything else can be draining, especially when your cup is empty and everyone still expects and needs you to keep pouring, even when you haven’t been able to stop and refill.
What makes it so bad is that no one bats an eye while seeing a mom drown in responsibility. We are assumed to be the caretakers, with the sole purpose being to raise kids and tend to the needs of the family. But when will we look at a mother and not assume that’s all she wants to do or what she has to offer. I am not just a mom— I have a whole entire identity outside of that title. I love my children with every fiber of my being, but that does not mean I do not want something just for me. I think that when we see mothers who take time to focus on them, we often call it selfish.
I remember I was at church one Sunday afternoon and someone approached me.
“Where’s Daniel?”
“He’s with his dad” I responded
“Oh he’s always with his dad, you don’t ever have your son! ”
This was a low blow for me. Not because it was true, because it was far from that. But it was because as bad as it sounds, I enjoyed my son leaving for the weekend. At the time, I was working 3 jobs, in nursing school and just trying to be the best mama I could be. I needed those weekends y’all; they saved me.
To have time where I did not have to focus on meeting his needs meant that I had a few days to focus on my own because spoiler alert: those needs do not go away because you have children. Shocking, I know. Her making a comment about me having time away from him, made me feel guilty. Mind y’all she has kids of her own and you would think that a mother would empathize with my struggles, but sometimes, it be your own people.
The audacity for someone to not only question where my child was, but to make this assumption about me as a mother literally made my blood boil. You know how someone says something that completely catches you off guard and you don’t even know what to respond? Yeah, that was me. I found myself explaining to her the situation because truth be told, I felt ashamed. It’s experiences like this that have made me self conscious about taking time to care for me. I am starting to realize that it is not an issue with me, it’s with outsiders looking in who put mothers in this box of confinement based on their misconceptions of what a mother is supposed to be and do. I want to redefine the mold that they often try to force mothers to fit into.
When I think about how I am somehow supposed to manage being a mom and also make sure that I still take care of myself, an airplane departure comes to mind. As the flight attendants go over the safety precautions, they talk about in the case of an emergency where there is a decrease in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop. They make sure to tell you that in this instance be sure to secure your own mask, before helping others. Then, they make another round down the aisle, specifically instructing mothers that they are to put on their own oxygen mask first and then help their children. Do you get where I’m going with this?
Now I know that as a mom, it’s a terrifying thought to know that while I am putting oxygen on myself, my child is going without…even if it is only for a few seconds. As mothers we are wired to address their needs first, and then our own. But if you really consider this plane and masking yourself before helping your children, can you see how you taking care of yourself ensures the overall safety, happiness, and well-being of your little ones?
In order to help your children, you have to first help yourself. It is impossible to fully give them everything that they need if you do not address what you need first. Kids are very much so in tune with energies, especially those of the woman who gave them life. They will pick up on bad vibes and decipher your mood in a split second. They feed off of us. Their attitudes, their beliefs, their inner-voice, their confidence, their ability to express their emotions—it all starts with us. The thing about motherhood is that it forces us to learn and face ourselves in order to be a better parent to our children. And to truly face yourself, you have to spend time with yourself. You have to rest. You have to do things that bring you peace and contentment. You have to stop to fill your cup sis!
My self-care plan is going to be
spending at least an hour a day in complete silence with just myself; no thinking, no music or planning .. just me.
buying myself something nice every paycheck. (I struggle with spending money on myself, like to the point where I question if I want to buy a $4 lip gloss, but will spend any amount of money on anyone else.) I deserve nice things, too!
praying more. I need Jesus, y’all and that’s just that.
This is your reminder queen: Self care is not an option, it is a necessity. Find something that works for you, that makes you feel good; something that allows you to fully be who you are, unapologetically without the concerns that motherhood brings. I believe in you!
Father God, I thank you for my sister here reading this right now. I thank you for her life. I thank you for loving her so much that you wanted more of her in this world and gave her children. I thank you for giving her the desire to take better care of herself so that she may continue to take care of her family. Right now Father I ask that you would give her enduring strength to fight every battle that comes her way . Let her know she’s not alone God, let her know that you’re there and you care about her . Let her feel you in everything that she does. I declare that she is more than a mother. I ask that you would give her direction and guide her on her journey to discovering her purpose in you. I know she’s tired. I know she’s doing it alone. I know it feels like no one’s there to help. I know it’s hard God. But we know that you make everything beautiful in its own time. Give her patience to wait on you Father. Let her go through her process with faith and joy because it’s this process that you are going to cultivate the gifts inside of her. It’s this process that you are going to bring forth new wine. It’s this process that you are going to show her who she is. In this season I declare that mothers everywhere will fill liberated by loving themselves enough to care for their temples. Let your Holy Spirit fill each and everyone of us, even now. We thank you for the prayers you are answering God. In your Holy name we pray, Amen